No Turning Back From Here

I’ve been under the radar for the past coupla weeks. Most of the time spent on trying to get rid of the one person that I tried to make myself believe mattered to me. All’s a mind game. You can get past all the melancholic episodes following a break up just by not dwelling much on the what I couldve done but focusing on what i’ve done and what I can do more.

Ours was a good one. It felt right and perfect at the time. A friend told me that it sucks that something has to feel ultra perfect and just see it slip away. My friend was right. Yet I didn’t watch it slip away. Actually, what I did wrong was I didn’t let it slip out of my system early on. Back then, I felt that sticking together will always be the right way to go. That nothing can get in the way of my love for him even if it has reached extents of him not loving me back. I believe now that the numerous times I won him back was a success of one. He never relished the reunions. To him I was a stubborn pest. I loved him, or so I rationalized. I guess all become blind at one point. It didn’t occur to me that I was fearing the loss of him more than my love for the person. I was out there to cling. It’s only now I reckoned that my mind wasn’t at it’s A-Game since January of this year up til June 12.

It was independence day. It was one of those petty arguments that led to his predictable solution to all disputes between us — let’s break up. I felt relief at the thought that this’ll be over. But I forgot that even the ignorance of it nor the repression of it will not save me from the 4 levels of Grief.

1. Denial. The day after the break up. I looked around me and the two years that we’ve been together eclipsed the thought that he’s gone. I felt lost in my own house. He’s become a permanent fixture or so I planned.
2. Anger. Ours wasn’t even a regular gay relationship. It was a Final Destination kind of reollercoaster ride. Having the Messiahnic complex i thought I could fix everything. I overlooked his heart, it’s power to decide for itself even at the sight of me drowning in tears. I suddenly beacame furious with what he has made me go through. He was a good man. He was just not good with one man.
3. Bargaining. I went to his office. I tried to talk him out of it for the nth time. I was tired inside. My withered soul got the best of my actions. I can’t blame myself. I’ve made myself go through millions of these scenarios with him. I was just not ready at the time to call it quits. My greatest ally, my mind, has now digressed. Even it has supplemented his heart’s decision. A voice inside walked me out of that frame with him in front of their office. Until I found myself crying, angry at myself for fighting a lost cause.
4. Depression. Vodkatonic. Friends. Sex. Helped me get through the dark tunnel of depression. It helped me veer my attention away from him.
5. Acceptance. It has come to me one night my mother walked out of our house and sat down with me while I was smoking. She said: It’s hard. But who the hell cares. Does he care? You made it through alot of things on your own. You can get through this. He’ll be fine. You’ll be fine and life continues.

No one is spared from this cycle. I feel like all the blame should be turned to me. But then I realized he mades lot of it too, most having direct effect on me. I forgave myself. I guess that’s the key. Forgive and let (them) live.

He called yesterday. He said that he wants me to go with him for his appointment with the dentist. Later that day he cancelled it saying that he feels a bit guilty that he’s sticking up with me still. I told him: Forgive yourself. I don’t love you anymore. Bye.

When I’m older. I’ll be proud of myself going through this a changed person. All in life is a lesson. What’s bound to happen is but homeworks. And exes are but subjects that we graduate from and never return to again.

Goodbye Joel. I wish you well.

PS. I’ll be going to Divisoria with my buddies today. I’ll be fine even at our Ground Zero.